A logistical nightmare

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good boy this year. Mostly. Well, I haven't done anything that bad. Okay, I haven't broken any laws. Okay, no-one died. That I know of. Anyway, as it's that time of year again, I have a few requests.

1. A roadster with a Ferrari V8 and the sequential gearbox from a BMW M3.
2. Friendlier voices in my head.
3. A pet tiger.
4. Potassium nitrate.
5. Charcoal.
6. Sulphur.
7. Audrey Tautou covered in honey.

You'll have noticed that the list is considerably shorter than it was last year. Trying to be a bit less materialistic. Well, that's it for this year. Have a safe trip and, as ever, thank you.

Yours sincerely,

Arun.

Dear Arun,

Before I get started, the legal department have asked me to inform everyone asking for presents that there are now certain conditions to be met, after far too many delays and near-misses last year, and that failure to meet these conditions will result in non-delivery of presents.

• Your roof must be no steeper than 37 degrees.
• Your chimney pot must protrude no more than 1200 millimetres from the roof and must not be less than 200 millimetres in diameter.
• The roof must be free of decorations.
• All reasonable effort must be made to keep the roof free of ice.
• The roof must not have broken or missing tiles.
• Santa reserves the right not to deliver if it is dangerous to do so.

Moving on to your list, I'm afraid I can't deliver any of it. I'm aware of the roadster you're referring to, but it is a concept car, there's only one in existence and I'm fairly confident they'd notice it missing. Friendlier voices in your head are surely a matter for your doctor. A pet tiger would be much too dangerous, as well as ridiculous. Even if I could deliver a french actress to your home, I really don't know if Ms Tautou would be willing to allow herself to be covered in honey. And as for items 4,5 and 6, if you're planning to make your own gunpowder, I want nothing to do with it. Let's be honest, you don't have the best track record; you're not allowed to own fish any more and that microwave explosion brought the kitchen ceiling down. Sorry about your presents, and best wishes for the future.

Yours sincerely,

Santa Claus

P.S: You're 29. Stop writing to Santa.

Dear Santa,

You make some good points, but in my defence, that explosion was an accident. To this day, I have no idea what was in that bowl at the back of the fridge, but apparently it was very unstable. Regarding my list, what if I were to cut it down to one item? The item I have in mind wasn't on the original list. A PS3; surely you can deliver those?

Yours sincerely,

Arun

Dear Arun,

No. Like I said, you're 29.

Yours sincerely,

Santa Claus

Dear Santa,

I didn't want to have to play it this way, but need I remind you of what happened in Kyoto in 2005? Get back to me.

Yours sincerely,

Arun

Dear Arun,

Please accept my sincerest apologies for my earlier letters. I don't know what came over me. A PS3 and some games will be under your tree on Christmas morning. I'll even throw in a Blu-ray. Thank you for your support over the years and for your help in dealing with the Kyoto incident, which you were instrumental in keeping out of the papers.

Yours sincerely,

Santa Claus