Donald Trump stole my sandwich
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Or
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Ten fun things to do with a severed finger
Loyal minions... I mean fans... You will have noticed that I have been quiet of late. The world according to Arun, once voted World's Most Hilarious Blog*, has been a desolate place, and don’t think I haven’t felt the pain. No new Urban Legends post at Hallowe'en? No more letters to or from Santa Claus? No random articles on... I don't know... how to charge your phone, using only a child's wish and the heat from a latté? This is not how the world was supposed to be. This is not the world I want, dammit!
Long story short, the words weren’t flowing from my (moderately unusual) mind as easily as they once did.
So I’ve been quiet for a while. Biding my time, until something came along that made me almost physically need to write about it, as I knew something eventually would. And then, finally, after the longest creative dry spell that a person (who has never worked for Fox Reality) has ever had, something did. Not that, though. Not The Other Thing, which, appropriately enough, rhymes with ‘dump’, and the absurdity of which I could not hope to cover in a dozen lifetimes, let alone a single blog post. No, the thing I needed to say something about was a little closer to home. Rather more personal. A part of my person, in fact. Recently, I cut my finger. Hope you were sitting down when you read that.
Not wanting to labour the point or anything, while cutting a crusty roll - Tough on the outside, sammich-ey awesomeness on the inside - I was sawing away at the exterior with my breadknife, which should probably require some kind of license to operate (seriously, one sharp brute of a thing), when I felt the crust suddenly give. Thanks to my legendary cat-like reflexes, I was able to pull the punch, as t'were, and ended up with only a tiny cut that barely broke the skin. But it was right over the joint cavity, and, well, long story short, I’ve been there before and could do without having to have a general anaesthetic while something small necessitates surgery to put right. I had to think; what if I’d just cut the finger right off?
Well, I'd probably do what most people who sever their fingers do, and take it to hospital in a cup of ice or something, then wait to be seen, and hopefully get the finger reattached, trusting that it eventually becomes almost as useful as it once was. But let’s face it; I'd get bored at some point. Most people do, in those waiting rooms, and I'm led to believe that most people have at least some degree of patience. And if you can’t hold your phone like you normally do, mobile games lose some of their appeal. So what do you do, with only your own finger in some ice, to while away the hours? Allow me to offer a few suggestions.
Ten suggestions.
Here, my friends, beginneth the TwatA list of ten fun things to do with a severed finger...
1. Stick it up your nose. Talk to a stranger, maybe ask them the time or something; anything that gets them looking at you, while you pretend not to notice that there’s a severed finger in your nostril. Award yourself points based on how long the conversation lasts, how horrified or close to vomiting they look, etc... Bonus points available if the finger drips blood on your leg while you’re talking.
2. As above, but with the finger tucked behind one ear, like a cigarette.
3. Use it to shush someone. Without breaking eye contact, place the fingertip across their lips. They will shut up. Guaranteed.
4. Fishing line cat toy. This one shouldn’t need much explaining. Got a cat? Good. A length of fishing line? Good. A severed finger? G... Uh... Um... that’s the spirit? Whatever. You get the idea.
5. Reserve a sun lounger. Can be applied to any situation where you’re trying to get to something first, but have people in front of you. Simply throw your severed finger, aiming for it to land in or on the target area. Pro tip: give it a little squeeze before you throw, so that when it lands, you get that extra little blood spatter. Extra dis-encouragement. No one else will want that sun lounger, now. All yours. Enjoy.
6. Door wedge. Fairly self explanatory.
7. Fix a wonky table. Also, fairly self explanatory.
8. If you’ve cut off your middle finger: can you think of a more epic way to flip someone off than silently handing them your finger and walking away?
9. Pike bait. Those delicious bastards will literally eat anything. If nothing else, it’ll be the coolest fishing story ever.
10. Book mark. *squish*
*By me, one night in my living room. The cat concurred, but as a member of another species, she was ineligible to vote. Still, 100% of the electorate voted for TwatA...
