Congratulations; you're
alive. The fact that you just read that first sentence means that a;
you're alive, and b; the world hasn't ended. Not yet, at least. I
point out this plainer than plain fact because, as many of you are no
doubt aware, the world is due to end this year. Come in, number
three, your time is up. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. You are
the weakest planet. Goodnight, Irene. Et cetera...
How do we know the world
is nearing its expiration date? Step forward the Maya, a Mesoamerican
civilisation finally subdued by the Spanish in 1697. They had some
interesting ideas; notably the belief that blood-letting almost to
the point of death allowed them to communicate with their gods
(severe blood loss triggers large amounts of endorphins, the body's
own natural painkillers, to be released into whatever blood is left,
which could conceivably lead you to believe that you are playing pool
with the Stay-Puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters) and a game
rather like soccer, but set in a sort of large basketball court and
played with severed human heads instead of a ball, but most important
for those of us trying to decide what we're doing for Christmas
dinner 2012 is the long count calendar. The current cycle (or
'Baktun') will end on the 21st of December this year. The
end of this, the 13th Baktun, is considered to have been
thought of by the Maya as very important and this is what has lead
people acquainted with the long count calendar to conclude that at
the end of this cycle, the world as we know it will end. Look on the
bright side; if they're right, you won't have to bother with
Christmas shopping this year.
The (almost certainly not
mental) people who study the Mayan calendar of doom claim that it was
created to count down to some great astronomical event, prompting
speculation that something not of this world will be what brings
about its sudden demise. And yes, some say that could involve <sigh>
aliens.
Ever heard of Planet X?
After Neptune was discovered in 1846, there was speculation that
there may be another planet out there, somewhere beyond Neptune's
orbit. In the early 20th century, the Planet X hypothesis
was put forward in an attempt to explain apparent discrepancies in
the orbits of Uranus (stop it; I can hear you giggling) and Neptune.
The theory was that if there was a large (and thus far unseen) planet
orbiting the sun outside the edge of the known solar system, its
gravity could influence the orbits of the above mentioned planets as
it passed them, a bit like how the gravity of the moon influences
Earth's oceans and gives us tides. The discovery of Pluto in 1930
caused some excitement, partly because it appeared to validate the
Planet X idea. Until it was discovered to be nowhere near big enough
to have that powerful a gravitational field in 1978, prompting the
search for a larger tenth planet. Some bright sparks, combining the
study of the Mayan calendar with a basic knowledge of astronomy and
our solar system in particular have suggested that Planet X, or
Nibiru, as it was called by the Sumerians and Babylonians, may be due
to enter the solar system this year. They have therefore conclusively
proved that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. For a start,
there is the implication that Nibiru, apparently well documented by
the Sumerians, is the Planet X we started looking for only relatively
recently. It can't be. Nibiru is meant to pass between the orbits of
Mars (the fourth planet) and Jupiter (the fifth planet), causing
Jupiter to move closer than normal to the sun, making it hotter than
normal, basically igniting the gases it is made up of and turning it
into a sort of secondary sun. This would be bad news for Earth, but
would require that Nibiru somehow passes through our solar system,
without technically being part of it.
Still, I suppose it is
possible that the Sumerians were right and there is a planet whose
orbit of something other than our sun brings it into our system every
3600 years or so and that it is inhabited by sentient beings who
created us to mine Earth's gold for them, in order to preserve their
own environment. Oh, and in the billions of years the sun and its
planets have been here, Nibiru has been regularly popping in and out
without catapulting any other planets closer to the sun. Personally,
I find that one a little hard to swallow.
Yet more doom-mongers say
that a 'very rare' planetary alignment, due during the winter
solstice (21st December) will cause planet-wide mayhem, as
it triggers a reversal of Earth's magnetic poles; basically our
magnetic north and south poles swap places. Such a reversal could
indeed mean that life on Earth is what physicists describe as being
wrapped helically around a cylindrical object*, since Earth's
magnetic field, which protects us from the solar wind (a stream of
charged particles ejected from the sun) may greatly reduce in
intensity or vanish altogether during a geomagnetic reversal. Sounds
serious, doesn't it? Well, it certainly would be, but read on.
First, I'd like to
clarify the term 'planetary alignment'. Imagine the solar system as
having the sun at the centre and the planets in concentric orbits,
all in the same horizontal plane, sort of like balls on a pool table,
in that no one of them can be higher or lower than any other. Now
stop imagining it like that. While the first three or four orbits are
within a few degrees of each other, the rest are within 96 degrees,
meaning that the planets, while they do sometimes align, can never
line up quite as neatly as the people who wish they were real
astronomers would have us believe. Planetary alignment isn't that
rare, either; the planets were actually in alignment in 1982. A lot
of things happened in 1982. The Falklands conflict, the pound coin
was introduced, the first IVF baby was born, but (and please feel
free to correct me on this) the world did not end.
I will admit, however,
that some real scientists say that the solar flares released from the
sun are set to hit the peak of an eleven-year cycle in 2012. Excuse
me for not hiding under the table. While it is true that a large
solar flare could disrupt satellites, mobile phones, the internet et
al..., think back to 2001, when solar flares did absolutely nothing
like that. I fondly remember the day in 2001 when my phone didn't
leap out of my hand and run down the street screaming the scream of a
thousand hell-scorched souls, kicking puppies and praising satan as
it went.
But can it really be a
coincidence that solar flares are set to peak, the planets are set to
align and Nibiru is predicted to enter our system in the same year as
the long count calendar counts down to zero?
Yes. Yes, it can.
Just in case, I'm not
going to do any Christmas shopping until at least the 22nd
of December. As if I was going to anyway...
*I was going for
'screwed', without having to actually say it. Damn; I just did.
